Spook in the Basement
by Fan O' Fanfic
Summary: AU. Harry 'Spooky' Potter. Senior Unspeakble, one and only Ministry detective and solver of unsolvable cases. Disppearing students? No problem. But the old flame of a history teacher is making things much more interesting than they have any right to be.
1. Spooky Potter

Title: Spook in the Basement

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its affiliates. Neither am I connected in any way to the X-Files or any of its affiliates. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidence.

Summary: Very slight crossover with X-Files. No prior knowledge of the series is required. Harry 'Spooky' Potter is the sole member of the Ministry's' Paranormal Division. He is called to Hogwarts to investigate strange disappearances and slipping school grades. Oh, and the History teacher really REALLY doesn't like him.

Music used for inspiration: None actually. Surprising huh? Various Nickelback songs were listened to in the course of writing this story.

Now, onto the story, I know that no-one has even read the above nonsense so I can write anything I want and not one of you will notice. You smell. No-one is reading this. Bananas are going to steal all of your pyjamas and take over the world. Professional wrestling is faked. I bet that I won't get a single review telling me that someone has read this.

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Chapter One – Spooky Potter

It was a Wednesday. Harry Potter should have realised that something was going to go wrong when he looked at his calendar that morning. He shouldn't even bother to go into work on Wednesdays. Fridays were bad too. Not on the same scale as Wednesdays of course but still bad. Reports were due on Fridays. Attempts on his life were due on Fridays. Not a good day. Mondays were good though. Everyone was too grumpy to try anything on Mondays. Tuesdays were not so good. Everyone had gotten over Monday and were back to being themselves. The Auror department had done all their paperwork for the week by Tuesday and had nothing to do. It was just his bad luck that his office was next to their department. Thursdays were very good. His favourite day in fact. Nothing ever happened on a Thursday. The Auror department went out for a training day on Thursdays. Blessed peace.

But it wasn't Thursday. It was Wednesday and he really should have known better.

The day started off normally. He got up. He had a shower. He got dressed, ate breakfast and Apparated to work. He handed his wand over for inspection at the Atrium desk and carried on to the Department of Mysteries on the third floor. He collected his papers, greeted his fellow Unspeakables and made his way to his own office. Next to the Auror Department on the ground floor. In the basement. Lovely.

))))

The tour group from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were being shown around the Ministry. The Minister had decided that he needed more intelligent pupils in his government and so offered tours for the third year students who had yet to choose their electives.

They were touring the Department of Magical Catastrophes on the first floor and had just passed Burt Kensingtons office when they were ushered out rather quickly as a giant Elephant made entirely of jelly was seen to run out of the containment area. Most of the students really didn't want to leave such an interesting place. The other departments had been rather tame in comparison.

The Department of Creature Liaisons on the eighth floor was completely empty. Not even a house elf in sight.

The Research and Development office on the seventh floor looked to be interesting. When one person shouted Duck! Everyone did without question as something was liable to hit them if the didn't. This happened quite a few times. But a claxon sounded and they were rushed out, a cloud of rather noxious blue smoke filling the whole floor.

The sixth floor office of the Department of Muggle Cooperation was filled with half broken muggle objects and Arthur Weasley. Not the most interesting place to be.

The fifth floor was Magical Games and Sports. Posters of people on brooms and playing things like Gobstones or Exploding Snap adorned the walls and nobody appeared to be doing any work at all. They were all having an impromptu game of office Quidditch. They were ushered out rather fast after a rogue bludger made out of crumpled parchment flew dangerously close to their heads.

The fourth floor contained the Department of Magical Education. Nobody wanted to stay for very long, although some students wondered if they could get the answers to their OWL exams.

The third floor housed the Department of Mysteries. Everyone wanted to go inside but they were told under no circumstances were they allowed in. the sheer size of the man who had told them this put them off arguing.

The second floor was The Department of Spell Creation and Regulation. This contained the Misuse of Magic office. Many wanted to go and give Madam Hopkirk an earful but they were hurried away after the warning signs were read.

So, here they were on the Ground floor, looking into the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They were being shown around by an Auror by the name of Frank Anderson. Anderson was a large man. Big and burly he filled the whole corridor as he led them into the main bullpen area. Booths were laid out in rows and Aurors could be seen chatting and polishing their wands.

"Now!" Frank boomed, his voice rising above the hubbub. "This is where it all happens! From here, we do our best to keep the magical community safe." He carried on in this vein for several minutes, glorifying his department. They weaved in and around desks sometimes stopping for a quick talk with an Auror or two. They finally stopped outside a small dark corridor. There were steps leading down to it and a single door was situated at the end. Frank leaned closer to the group and whispered as though he was divulging a huge secret.

"Now, rumour has it that a creature lives down here. It almost never comes out, just lives in here. We try not to disturb it. Sometimes we think it comes out at night, when we're all gone and only the night shift is on patrol. They've never seen it though. Do you want to take a look?"

The students looked a bit afraid at the prospect of seeing such a creature but they nodded. After all, they were in the Auror office, what could go wrong?

"Are you sure?" Frank asked, playing his part perfectly. They nodded again, certainly this time.

"Alright then, we might need some backup though." He turned around and called to a group of Aurors near them.

"Hey, Were going to wake the creature in the basement up, we might need backup, I think it's in a bad mood." The Aurors who had been addressed faces broke into matching grins and they joined the group.

Frank pressed a finger to his lips to indicate that they should be quiet.

"Now, you may be frightened but remember we're all here with you. It may be scary but you wont get hurt."

The children were rather uncertain now, the teachers that were with them were frowning at the display. A few hand their hands on their wands.

Frank took a deep breath and one of the other Aurors snickered.

"Oi! Spooky, we've got visitors!" he yelled at the top of his voice.

There was silence for a moment before,

"Piss off Anderson, I'm busy!" an annoyed voice came from the door at the end of the corridor. The children all jumped back and the Aurors fell about laughing. Another Auror called out, through her laughter, "No, we really _do_ have visitors!"

There was a pause before the door was flung open and the tour group flinched back, thinking some terrible beast was about to devour them all. Instead of said terrible beast a man stood in the doorway, an irritated look on his face. He wasn't very tall, looked to be in his late twenties or very early thirties had messy black hair that seemed to defy all laws of gravity, startling green eyes and he was wearing the standard uniform of the Unspeakables. Muggle suit and dark blue robes, emblazoned with the symbol for the Department of Mysteries.

He folded his arms.

"What do you want Anderson?" he said flatly. Eyeing the still sniggering Aurors with disgust and annoyance.

"Say hello to the kiddies Spooks." Frank said, as though speaking to a small child.

The scowl increased in intensity. He turned to the tour group and his expression softened slightly.

"Hello kiddies, I'm Harry Potter, sole member of the 'Spook Squad'" he rolled his eyes at the name before continuing. "This here is Frank Anderson as I see you have had the misfortune to meet, he is our resident moron. Nice to meet you, enjoy your tour." He flashed them a slightly mocking smile and turned to the Aurors. "You. Leave me alone unless you want me to curse you into oblivion."

Anderson put a hand over his heart and said as though in great pain, "Spooky! You wound me, don't you love me any more?"

Harry Potters hand strayed to the wand at his belt threateningly.

Frank held up his hands in surrender.

"All right, all right. No need to get your wand in a knot."

"Leave. Now."

"I'm going!"

Harry waited until they had moved on, then he disappeared back into his cluttered office. He could hear Anderson telling the tour group about the 'Spook' that lived in the basement.

))))

"Who was that?" one of the teachers asked as soon as she thought they were out of earshot of the rather irritable man in the basement office.

"Harry Potter, he takes all of the strange and out of the ordinary cases that lie outside of our jurisdiction." Frank frowned. "He's an Unspeakable so he has authorisation to take any case he deems is not for us to handle. Not that we would want any of those." He said quickly, defending the reputation of his department.

The students were all listening in; this was the most interesting thing that had happened all day that wasn't trying to kill them. Naturally they were intrigued.

Professor Longbottom felt a hand tug at his robe sleeve. He looked down to see a young boy, one of his students looking up at him.

"Yes? He asked kindly.

"Where's Professor Granger?" the young Hufflepuff asked.

Neville looked around, there was no sign of the bushy haired history teacher.

))))

Harry sighed as he sat down at his desk and stretched back in his chair. The walls of his office were covered with photographs of various cases and bits of parchment he had long forgotten the purpose of. He looked at his desk, there was a miniscule clear space, just big enough for a sheet of parchment right in front of him, the rest of it was taken up with towering piles of paperwork and case files. A collection of rather mangled quills was scattered across the surface, some buried under mountains of junk. The waste paper bin was overflowing with crumpled bits of paper and old ink bottles. In short the place was a mess. But it was an organised mess. Harry knew exactly where to find everything. Usually.

He sighed again and reached for one of the papers waiting to be filled in. He rooted around for a decent quill and an ink pot and began the long tedious work of filling out his time sheet. It was stupid really, he had to allocate every minute of his working day to some job or another, arrive:7:30. 7:30 to 9:42: work on expenses form. 9:42 to 10:02: fill out form G56 9D0B 7C in triplicate. 10:02 to 10:04: get coffee. 10:04 to 12:56 Fill out form Jk486 YF3HN 80JE D in duplicate then deliver to Head of DoM and DMLE. 12:56 to 1:01 go to bathroom. 1:01 to 1:12: get lunch. 1:12 to 4:24: fill out forms HY48 HTY09K L, HR83NNYO9 DB1, DYRNKI195HN 67H and QWERTY6 in quadruplicate. 4:24 to 4:27: speak to tour group. 4:27 to- he hadn't finished yet. Honestly, it was pointless; why on earth the Minister cared when he went to the bathroom he had no idea. He also didn't know why he bothered to fill the damn thing in. Nobody else did. He fell into monotony for all of three minutes when he heard a knock on his door. His eye twitching he called for the person to come in.

A woman entered his office. Brown hair pulled back into a severe bun and a sharp businesslike look on her face, she was dressed in the standard robes of a Hogwarts teacher. A history teacher to be precise. Brown robes trimmed with gold gave it away immediately. Not that he needed that to know who she was.

"Hello Hermione."

Professor Hermione Granger sniffed and fixed beady eyes on him. He smirked casually.

"Unspeakable Potter." She said stiffly in greeting.

He sat and she stood in silence for a few moments before Harry broke it by offering her a drink and a seat.

She looked at the spare chair covered with parchment and sniffed again.

"I think I'll stand."

He shrugged and poured her a cup of coffee. Milky with one teaspoon of sugar, just how she liked it. He passed it to her and she accepted it. Just.

She took a sip and her eyes widened just a fraction. Harry caught it.

"Milk and a spoon of sugar right?" he smirked again. She nodded stiffly for the second time. Another few moments of silence. One almost expected a cricket to chirp and some tumbleweed to blow past.

Hermione got impatient and set her mug down slightly harder than was necessary.

"Potter-" she began but she was cut off.

"Really 'Mione I think we are mature enough to call each other by our first names are we not?"

She glared at him.

"If you insist on calling me 'Mione" she spat the word out like it poisoned her. Although that could have been the coffee. "I will insist on calling you Potter."

"Why 'Mione? You used to like it."

Harry was very glad Hermione could not kill with a glance alone, otherwise he was pretty sure that he would have been vaporised by now.

"That was then."

"And now?"

She faltered for a second at his seemingly innocent question. But she knew that Harry just didn't _do_ innocent questions.

"I threw you out remember?" she spat at him.

He looked honestly surprised. Probably because he was.

"You know, I never did figure out why you did that."

She didn't buy it for a second.

"Bullshit."

He looked around in an exaggerate manner.

"Really? Where?"

He was getting on her nerves. Like he always did. She gritted her teeth, this was going to sting her ego.

"I need your help."

He just stared at her. Mouth open slightly.

"Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?"

"I'm serious!"

"No your not, you're Hermione." He said cheekily.

She was on her last nerve and he had just got on it.

"Goddamit Potter! Be serious for once in your life and listen to me!" she shouted.

She stopped to catch her breath. Harry was staring at her again, with something akin to pride in his eyes.

"That's my girl."

"I. Am. Not. Your. Girl." She growled.

Suddenly there was a shout from outside.

"Oi! Spooky!" Harry's eyebrow twitched.

Hermione looked on confusedly.

"Maybe if I ignore him he'll just go away." Harry mumbled.

Someone pounded on the door.

"Spookster! Come outa your pit!"

Harry got up from his chair and marched to the door pulling it open forcefully.

Hermione was watching with interest, her anger having evaporated in favour of watching Harry.

"What the bloody hell do you want Simmons?"

"Well, we were just wondering…"

"Get on with it!"

"We heard voices and we wondered if you had abducted some poor young witch to keep in your lair. Does she need saving?" Hermione heard raucous laughter from those outside the door.

"No she does not, if anything it's me that might need saving, now go and do some work for once in you miserable little life and leave me alone! If I find one more boggart in my filing cabinet or a poltergeist locked in my office so help me…" he trailed off threateningly.

"Whatever Spooky!" came the unconcerned response.

Harry slammed the door so hard the ceiling shock. A small bit of plaster dust trickled down, just in front of Hermione's face. She wrinkled her nose. Harry threw himself down in his chair; a smile was back on his face.

"What were you saying 'Mione?"

"Spooky?" she asked a small smile on her face.

He frowned slightly but it disappeared in a second.

"You are talking to the sole member of the Ministry's Paranormal Division otherwise known as the 'Spook Squad'." He said with a huge air of importance and an exaggerated bow. Rather difficult to accomplish then you were sitting down.

She raised an eyebrow.

"The Ministry has a Paranormal Division?"

"You better believe it honey."

"Don't call me that Potter. We're _witches _and_ wizards. _How more paranormal can you get?"

He looked at her astutely.

"Not everything can be solved just because we have magic you know. And I suspect that's why you're here. You have a problem that needs solving and the bumbling fools in the department upstairs can't help. So they directed you to me. The solver of unsolvable cases. Go on then, hit me with it." He said resignedly, "And here I was thinking you just popped in to see me."

She eyed him shrewdly, impressed despite herself at his quick deduction.

"Pfft, as if Potter. Students have been going missing at Hogwarts. They just disappear. After a few days they just reappear again. They can't remember a single thing from when they have been gone. We called the Aurors but they said that, and I quote, 'that kind of shit is Spookys department. We aren't getting mixed up in that.' We didn't know what they were talking about until today when I was with the tour group, and they addressed you as 'Spooky'."

Harry looked to be thinking it over.

"Alright, but only because it's you. I'm drowning in paperwork here."

She eyed the disaster zone that he called his office.

"I can tell." She said dryly.

He grinned at her.

"Now, how about I take you out for dinner-"

She gave him a frosty look that would have made an icicle wish for a scarf and gloves.

"-or you could just tell when you need me at the school." He ended.

"Sometime before September the first. Here are the files on all of the students that have been taken." She produced a batch of rather thick files. "Now, there is an opening for the position of Defence teacher this year and-"

"No."

"What-"

"No."

"But-"

"Nuh uh, I'm not doing it."

"But-"

"Nope. It ain't happening."

"Harry!"

"Yes?"

She fumed for a few seconds, reminding herself that this was the reason that she had thrown him out. He was just so _irritating_!

He was grinning at her and she was almost blinded by the wattage of it. She suddenly felt like she was missing something rather big.

"What?" she asked warily.

"You called me Harry!" He sounded so absolutely happy. Bastard.

Warning! Pressure reaching critical level, explosion imminent!

"Yes. I did."

"I knew you still loved me!"

"No Potter. Get it through your think skull, I don't love you, I absolutely despise you. Got that?"

He just nodded happily.

"Alright," she breathed out slowly, counting to ten. "I expect you to be at the school in good time to get everything ready. You will have your own quarters and office. Everything else will be explained once you are there." She spoke professionally.

"Do I _have_ to have my own quarters? Can't I share with you?"

"No you bloody well can't!"

"You didn't used to mind." He said airily.

"To my eternal shame."

She turned to leave. But stopped when she heard him call her name.

"Hermione?"

"What?" she asked shortly.

He smiled sort of sadly.

"It's nice to see you again."

She stood there for a few seconds before fleeing through the door.

Wednesdays were very bad. Very bad indeed.


	2. The Ministry Man

Title:

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its affiliates. Neither am I connected in any way to the X-Files or any of its affiliates. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidence.

Summary: Very slight crossover with X-Files. No prior knowledge of the series is required. Harry 'Spooky' Potter is the sole member of the Ministry's' Paranormal Division. He is called to Hogwarts to investigate strange disappearances and slipping school grades. Oh, and the History teacher really REALLY doesn't like him.

Music used for inspiration: None actually. Surprising huh? Various Nickelback songs were listened to in the course of writing this story.

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Chapter Two – The Ministry Man

Harry was late. Well, he wasn't late per se, he hadn't actually agreed on a time to leave the office but he still felt that he was late for some reason. Must be the coffee.

He had been desperately shoving things into a minuscule bag before he remembered that he was a wizard. It was a Tuesday. That explained it. There had been _another_ animated sheet in his office this morning. Someone (he suspected Simmons) had charmed an old bed sheet to move about and wail at him as soon as he entered his office. _Again. _Honestly, didn't those people have any work to do?

He had charmed two trunks to be bottomless and weightless. One was for his clothes and things of that nature and the (much) larger one was for his work. He shuddered at the state his in-tray was going to be in when he got back. Maybe he could curse it… not a bad idea.

He was throwing things from his desk into the trunk without much concern if he needed them or not.

Finally he was done. He hauled his heavy (even with the featherweight charm) trunks onto the floor and shrunk them and then placed them in his pocket. He really hoped that his charms didn't wear off. That could be messy. He walked out of the door, casting one last look at his forlorn looking office. Closing the door he began to cast several rather complicated curses on the door handle. One was to shock anyone who touched it, another turned their skin bright green and another gave the unfortunate person the characteristics of a Little Green Man. He really hoped Anderson tried to get into his office.

He also took the precaution of casting a charm on the door that made it so that whenever any substances came in contact with the door, the squirted back out. He really hoped Anderson would try to graffiti something on his door as well. His in-box was charmed so that any pieces of paper placed in it would spontaneously combust. That would take care of the paperwork build-up when he was gone.

Donning a black cloak over his Unspeakables uniform he tried to be inconspicuous as he crossed the bullpen. No such luck. It was Tuesday after all.

"Where are you going Spooks? It's light outside! Don'tcha know?"

Harry raised and eyebrow.

"I am perfectly capable of being out in sunlight Collins."

Collins feigned surprise rather badly.

"But you're nocturnal!"

Harry sneered.

"Well done Collins! You used a big word! Are you ready to move into the big boys class now?"

"Haha Potter. Real funny, you're a riot you know that?"

"I aim to please." Just not you.

"So where you off too? Found a nice lady Spook?"

Harry really tried this time, he honestly did. But the sneer found it's way onto his face anyway.

"No. I'm going to Hogwarts on assignment. Students have been going missing and you morons just referred the plea for help right to me. As if I don't have enough work to do. I'll be gone for a while. Don't touch my office, don't send me howlers, don't mess with my in-try and for the love of god don't graffiti my door again."

Without another word he turned and walked away, mentally cheering for his admirable use of reverse psychology.

Sure enough, just as he was stepping into the lift he heard a strangled cry. It looked like someone had just touched the door handle. Oh he really hoped it was Collins.

))))

He arrived at the designated apparition point for Hogwarts. It was raining. Hard he quickly whipped out his wand and cast drying and impervious charms on himself. He was really glad he was wearing his cloak. It was freezing. He tramped up the long path to the main doors of the school, muttering darkly all the way. He was in a particularly bad mood today. Maybe it was the coffee.

He pushed the door open and quickly got into the dry. He shook himself to dislodge any water that had collected on his impervioused clothes and took stock of his surroundings. Hogwarts really was impressive. Hermione had told him that he should go and see the Headmaster as soon as he arrived. He took one last look at the sweeping entrance hall and began to traverse the corridors, looking for the half forgotten gargoyle.

He hated Tuesdays. He really did. They still weren't up there with Wednesdays and Fridays but still, they really got on his nerves. Three hours. Three bloody hours it took him to find the dammed gargoyle. And then another half to guess the password. Chocolate buttons. Honestly.

He knocked on the door to the headmasters office.

"Come in." a sagely voice said.

Harry did so. Professor Dumbledore sat behind his desk, looking at him over those half moon spectacles of his. His blue eyes twinkling like fairy lights.

"Harry my boy! Come in, come in! Have a seat, I have been looking forward to your visit."

Harry gave the headmaster a grin and settled himself in one of the chairs in front of the desk.

Dumbledore studied him for a moment.

"If you don't mind me saying so Harry, you haven't half changed."

Harry snorted.

"You can't expect me to stay seventeen for ever can you sir?"

Dumbledore chuckled.

"No, of course not. But please, tell me about yourself. What do you do now? It is strange that I don't know what a former student of mine is up to, I dare say it must be something exiting?"

"Surprisingly enough, I work for the Ministry. As you can probably tell from the robes. Really headmaster, you are not nearly as senile as you make the world think."

Dumbledore once again chuckled. He looked quite impressed.

"Harry, Harry, Harry. You know, you really are a most refreshing individual. Everyone else thinks I'm some kind of deity, to you I'm just another meddling old man. My, how I've missed you these years." The last part was said sadly and almost wistfully.

Harry lent over the desk and placed a hand on the old mans arm. He grinned.

"But now I'm here sir, you're going to have to endure the presence of 'Spooky Potter' at your own school once again!"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.

"'Spooky Potter'?" he asked amusedly, "I am almost afraid to ask. And please, do call me Albus."

Harry laughed and repeated the little introduction speech that he gave to Hermione.

"You are talking to the sole member of the Ministry's Paranormal Division, otherwise known as the 'Spook Squad'. Hence, 'Spooky Potter'."

Albus laughed. " Oh my Harry, what kind of work do you do?"

Harry launched into explained exactly what he did. It seemed to contain a lot of paperwork.

"That is rather interesting. Anyone special in your life?" the old headmaster asked playfully.

Harry smirked.

"Your History teacher actually. Although she did throw me out two years ago. I still don't know why…" he trailed off thoughtfully. "Perhaps it was my coffee?" he mumbled half to himself.

Albus had to try and refrain from sniggering. It was not befitting of a venerable headmaster to snigger but it was so hard to resist the temptation at the look on Harry's face. He honestly had no idea why Professor Granger had thrown him out. Poor boy.

Harry snapped himself back into the present.

"Why do you want to know you lecherous old man?"

Albus almost chocked on his lemon drop. He nerve! He was about to respond when Harry said something that actually made him blush! He hadn't blushed in god knows how many years.

"How is McGonagall these days Professor?"

That boy was a rather Slytherin Gryffindor with a Ravenclaw mind. A very dangerous combination. He remembered the boys sorting. The hat told him after wards to keep an eye on him, it turned out that his eye hadn't been good enough and the entire Ravenclaw common room wound up flooded one day, fish swimming in between floating couches. Albus shivered. It was those kinds of days that made him think about retirement.

"She is fine thank you Harry." He responded as dignified as he could be.

Harry grinned wickedly. He opened his mouth but before he could speak something in his pocket gave a muffled beep. And another.

"You're beeping Harry."

A look that said, thank-you-captain-obvious!

"Give the man a lemon drop!" the Ministry man muttered, plunging his hand into his larger-on-the-inside pockets. After a few seconds of rooting around he finally extricated a tiny trunk. The beeping noise emanated from inside. Albus watched interestedly. Enlarging the trunk, Harry proceeded to open it and begin flinging things around, looking for the source of the beeping.

Albus watched amusedly as a rather large vocabulary of swearwords emanated from the man stuck halfway inside the trunk.

"My Harry, such a repertoire!"

There was silence for a moment.

"Yes!" a shout was heard and Harry hauled himself out of the trunk. His hair was even more messy than usual and his glasses were askew. The look of utter triumph on his face made Albus want to laugh until he burst.

Harry was holding what appeared to be a muggle mobile phone. It was beeping. He flipped it open.

"Potter."

Albus heard a very strange sound coming from the phones speaker. It was wailing. Rather like the Bloody Baron in fact. He watched Harry's face turn thunderous. Albus discreetly cast a dampening charm on his ears.

"Goddammit Simmons! That is not funny! I actually have work to do unlike the rest of you ungulates! And how the hell did you get my phone number?" Harry yelled. The glass in the windows shook ominously.

There was a good deal of mumbling from the other end of the line.

"If I get back to find another Halloween mask in my filing cabinet, I am holding you directly responsible! I warn you one last time, _stay out of my office!"_ he snapped the phone shut a little harder than was necessary are threw himself into his chair. Tucking the little device away in a pocket.

Albus cancelled the charm. He raised an eyebrow.

"The morons in the Auror department," Harry growled, "find it highly amusing to alleviate their boredom caused by never doing any work, by sticking things in my filing cabinet. Or locking poltergeists in my office. Or graphitising my door. Or doubling my paperwork. Or coining nicknames like 'Spooky'."

Albus' lips were twitching. Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Do you find that funny Albus?"

The headmaster couldn't speak, he just shook his head, his lips working furiously.

Harry looked suspicious but he let it go. At least, Albus thought he had. It was hard to tell with Harry.

"Alright, it's late, I need to set up my office and quarters. Where are they?"

Albus had calmed down a bit now. A truly Slytherin expression flickered across his face.

"On the fifth floor."

Harry narrowed his eyes again.

"Where exactly on the fifth floor? What's so special about it?"

"Oh nothing," Albus said airily. "Your rooms are behind the painting of Barnabas the Barmy. The password is 'Ectoplasm.'"

Harry eyed the headmaster shrewdly. The man was up to something.

Harry nodded and collected the things he had strewn around the office while looking for his phone. He put his trunk back into his pocket and turned to leave.

"Harry?"

He turned around.

"Yes Albus?"

"It's nice to see you again."

For some reason, Harry got the strangest sense of de ja vu. How odd.


	3. Calling Security

Title:

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its affiliates. Neither am I connected in any way to the X-Files or any of its affiliates. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidence.

Summary: Very slight crossover with X-Files. No prior knowledge of the series is required. Harry 'Spooky' Potter is the sole member of the Ministry's' Paranormal Division. He is called to Hogwarts to investigate strange disappearances and slipping school grades. Oh, and the History teacher really REALLY doesn't like him. HHr.

Music used for inspiration: None actually. Surprising huh? Various Nickelback songs were listened to in the course of writing this story.

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Chapter Three – Calling Security

Harry Potter sat bolt upright in bed, wand in hand, staring at the hole he had blown out of the wall. His breathing slowed and he looked quizzically at the shaft of wood in his hand. Then at the gaping hole in the stone wall opposite wall.

He groaned, flopping back down on his sheets. He rubbed his eyes and rolled over to get a look at his alarm clock. It took a few seconds before what he saw registered in his brain.

"Shit!" he propelled himself out of bed, got tangled in his sheets and fell flat on his face.

The muffled sound of cursing came from where his face was buried in the floor. Righting himself he rubbed his forehead and stumbled into the shower.

After possibly the fastest shower in the history of Hogwarts, he was dressed and ready for the day. Almost.

Careening out of his room he sprinted down corridors and hurtled around bends. Coming to a halt outside the great hall he checked his watch. He sighed in relief; he wasn't too late. He fixed his appearance and strode in. As he made his way to the teachers table he studied the other staff members.

From his left there was the Potions teacher and head of Slytherin House, Severus Snape. He caught the greasy mans eye and they exchanged sneers. Snape hated Harry with a passion. The feeling was mutual. His official criminal record was suspiciously short. One count of minor theft when he was fourteen. That was it. His unofficial one was much more informative. Various cases of lying to the courts, many illegal transactions over the years and three counts of GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm). The man was a suspect already. Added to the fact he was a former Deatheater and you had a pretty convincing argument right there.

Next to Snape was the Astronomy teacher Aurora Sinistra. Harry didn't know much about her, but what he did know no-one else did. He loved his job. The quiet astronomy teacher didn't seem the type to have done anything but when Harry had called a few of his (many) contacts they found some interesting dirt on Ms. Sinistra. Both Professor Sinistra's parents had died in rather suspicious circumstances, leaving her a rather large amount of money.

She was seated next to the Charms professor and head of Hufflepuff, Hannah Abbott. The head of Hufflepuff seemed to be as shy as ever. She quietly listened to the conversations around her while keeping her head down. No criminal record but there was that time at the seventh year leaving party… Harry shook his head; they were all a bit wild that night.

The school nurse, Poppy Pomfrey was eating her cereal between the Charms professor and the Transfiguration professor and Head of Gryffindor, Minerva McGonagall. Harry liked McGonagall. He wasn't sure if the feeling was returned but the stern witch seemed more exasperated by him rather than angry. Mostly. That time in sixth year was definitely anger. And that one in fourth year, possibly that thing he did at the graduating ceremony might have annoyed her slightly too. And that time- Absolutely nothing on McGonagall except on minor case of drunk and disorderly conduct years ago when she was still in Hogwarts. He moved on. The nurse was one of the few Harry counted as a friend. There was even a bed that had his name on it in the hospital wing. He was sure, with his luck; he would be seeing it soon. Nothing on her either.

On McGonagalls left sat the king of the castle himself, Albus Dumbledore. Dumbledore was another on Harrys (short) trusted friends list. He had another list that was just 'friends' but not trusted. Being an Unspeakable really made you paranoid. Dumbledore was clean as well. Not that Harry expected the man to be so foolish as to not cover his tracks well. His political clout definitely gave him an advantage over the other were he to do something. But Harry was sure he wouldn't.

On Dumbledore's left was the Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor Alastor Moody. Ex Auror. He got away with a lot. Several cases of GBH, Unforgivable use (which he was cleared for citing his Auror pass), owning illegal items, illegal rituals and illegal enchanting of muggle objects. But Harry trusted him even if he wasn't considered a friend. Well, as far as Harry trusted anybody.

Terry Boot, the Runes teacher and the head of Ravenclaw was next. Completely clean sheet. He expected nothing less from a Ravenclaw. They were too smart to get caught. Lavender Brown, the Divination instructor was sitting next to him clad in the latest fashion and intently listening in on everyone's conversations.

He almost grimaced when he saw who the flying instructor was. Ginny Weasley was sitting there, eating almost nothing and wearing far too much makeup. He shivered. Scary. He _did_ grimace when he saw who was next to her. Draco Malfoy was sitting there, looking like a stick was rammed up his arse. The look of distaste on his face was evident as Ginny talked at him and invaded his personal space. Harry grinned inside his head. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Who had managed to somehow keep his records squeaky clean. Bastard. Next to him was- Yes! Thank you Albus! Harry cheered in his mind. Hermione Granger was at the table one hand fumbling with her spoon as her head was buried in a huge book. There was an empty seat next to her Harry assumed was for him. Result!

Next to the empty seat was Neville Longbottom, Herbology instructor. Neville was an unknown to Harry. Unknowns were acquaintances at best and trying to kill him at worst. He had nothing on him either.

Finishing his appraisal of his co-workers, he made his way to the empty seat. As he got near Hermione raised her head.

"What do you want?" she said flatly.

Harry just smiled at her and took his seat, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Oh no. No. You are not sitting next to me Potter."

He grinned at her.

"Now now 'Mione. No need for such childishness." He chided.

She spluttered and huffed and turned back to her book. Fully aware of Lavender listening in and probably coming up with _predictions_ to drop in class when the students arrived.

Harry smiled contentedly and ate his breakfast. Inclining his head in thanks when Dumbledore winked at him.

The day dragged by. The other staff members were rushing around, trying hopelessly to prepare for the students imminent arrival.

Harry wandered around, poked and prodded and generally procrastinated. A perfect day.

All too soon though, the time came for the students to arrive. And arrive they did. They traipsed into the hall, some looking up to see who the new Defence Professor was this year and trying to figure out who the hell Harry was. His lips twitched.

Once everyone was seated, the first years walked in looking like they were being led to their execution.

The sorting started, the sorting ended. Dumbledore stood up for his customary speech.

"Welcome, welcome to those joining us for the first time and welcome back for those returning! I would like to introduce your new Defence Professor, Ex-Auror Alastor Moody!" there was polite, if nervous applause from the student body as the heavily scarred man gave a curt nod.

"And as I'm sure you are all wondering who the other young man is," Harry shot Dumbledore a dark look, the old man ignored it and carried on, his twinkle going strong. "May I present Senior Unspeakable Potter, who is here to help us with security." Again, polite applause as he dipped his head in polite greeting.

"Now let the feast begin!" he said, and food appeared on the tables. The students eagerly dived in and Albus sat back down.

Harry let his gaze wash over the sea of students, while he absently filled his stomach. Gryffindor was by far the loudest, a bellowing, laughing, generally unruly bunch of students. Slytherin was well, Slytherin. Quiet and proud. Except for the two red heads at the end of the table who were cracking jokes and slipping things into people's food. He shook his head, he would never know how the sons of Fred and George Weasley (Who had managed to produce almost identical offspring despite having very different wives) managed to get into Slytherin. He'd figure it out someday.

Ravenclaw was, oddly enough, the second loudest. Less bellowing but they provided a background hum of interested voices discussing the latest discovery in Charms and when the next issue of Arithmancy Weekly was going to come out.

Hufflepuff was just... there. They were busy welcoming the new first years who were the most of any house. Older students were smiling down on them and generally being nice. Harry wasn't keen of Hufflepuffs. They creeped him out. How could anyone be so _nice_ all the time_?_

He shook himself and stole a look at the woman beside him. She was watching the students as well but felt his gaze. She turned and shot him a nasty look to which he raised his glass and gave her a wink. The look darkened even more and she turned away from him with a huff, her cheeks stained slightly pink.

Harry resisted the temptation to grin. It would have scared the students. This year was going to be _great._

* * *

_End Chapter_

_Yes, oh my god there has been an update. And there will be more. My interest has been rekindled!_


End file.
